Professionally Fashionable?

I hold in my hand last night's mail: One newsletter, one postcard, a mystery shopping check, a stack of grocery adverts, a renewal notice for Electronic Gaming Monthly (18 months before my subscription expires), and a mysterious business-sized envelope from InStyle magazine.

I throw away the advertisements and notice; the check will be tucked safely away for later deposit. That done, I open the InStyle envelope, and notice it looks annoyingly like a bill. The top is labeled "InStyle Professional Rate Summary." I raise an eyebrow, then look at the outside of the envelope to make sure it really is addressed to me. It is.

I glance down further (just to make sure it really isn't a bill), and some highlighted margin text catches my eye:

Expense Account
Reimbursement:
Keep top portion for your
expense records. The cost of
your IN STYLE subscription
may be reimbursed by your
company. Consult with your
business manager.

Now, for those of you late to the game, let me fill you in on what I do: I am an editor. I turn caterpillar sentences into butterfly prose. Between my three editing gigs, my main job duties go something like this: Read stuff. Fix it. Use red pen extensively.

But according to InStyle, which sent me a convenient itemized statement to present to my "business manager," I need the following professional tools:

• Ideas to inspire my personal style
• The latest fashions in every price range
• Beauty tips & advice from the pros you can really use
• An intimate look at your favorite celebrities: their homes, their wardrobes, their beauty secrets

Okay, they've done it. They've convinced me. Instead of filling the page margins with corrections, I'm going to start using it to write critiques of my coworkers' personal style. And forget the red pens -- I've already thrown them out. I'm a professional and I need to be using professional tools ... so from now on, my corrections will be written in red lipstick, with smudgy black eyeliner used for emphasis.

Gisele, Cindy, Tyra -- those supermodels don't have anything on me. I know about A-lines and deadlines ... punctuation and decoration ... whiter smiles and court trials. And I also know that, in a pinch, a press pass works as well as a V.I.P. invitation.

I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me now. I've got to go convince my boss that my professional growth is being stunted by my lack of shiny high-volume hair -- and that the only remedy is the Spring Makeover Special. Well, that, and more red lipstick.