Scared sick

I'll be honest. I've got 14 legals sitting in front of me, and I'm taking a 3-minute break to write a little something in my blog. Consider it self-preservation.

For the first time in my life, I understand the term "scared sick." Folks, I can tell you firsthand that it's not a figure of speech. I feel like I'm gonna hurl any minute now, so I'm sipping a Pepsi in hopes that the carbonation will keep my stomach intact. Part of the problem with getting sick is that I usually throw up my medication, and that presents problems later on. I've seen my Effexor floating in the toilet, knowing that within two hours, the brain shivers will be visiting me.

You know what I think my problem is? I think it's the "M" word -- "mentally ill." (Okay, so that's actually two words -- perhaps the "M.I." words?) I don't want to be "mentally ill." I don't think of myself as "mentally ill." I'm just a nice, anal-retentive, overly apologetic girl who is having trouble dealing with normal stressors these days. But I'm not mentally ill, a la Ted Bundy or David Koresh. I don't have delusions of grandeur. I don't think my ceiling is talking to me. I don't want to kill anybody, and I don't think spaceships are going to take me to heaven.

Right now, it's T-minus 3.5 hours. My saving grace is Sherry, a coworker who has been there and done that, and isn't afraid to put her arm around me and tell me that it's going to be okay. That's about the closest I've come to a guardian angel all week, and it's nearly brought me to tears.

Well, I actually spent seven minutes typing all this, but I'm glad I've got it out of me. Hey, you know what else scares me? Going in and acting totally sane. I'm afraid that I'll act like everything's okay (like I did with Dr. Steffan) and nobody will realize how bad I feel on the inside until I explode. There's got to be a middle ground -- one in which I actually tell Dr. Boyd what's going on ... without the fear that he'll think I'm crazy. We'll see how it goes.

Of course, I'll post results.

Oh, I should probably tell Carrie at some point huh?

K