Whaddya mean, there's homework?!

I met Miriam last night. She's very nice. Unfortunately, the conversation (and the associated panic) have left me pretty worn out today.

She says she's never seen a client with the level of anxiety I present. She also says this is exciting for her, which makes me feel a little like a lab rat. But I also feel kind of special, because I'm so ... intriguing(?) ... that the chair of the department is advising her on my case. :-)

So what are her initial thoughts? Well, apparently, I'm all about the avoidance, although I hadn't really consciously thought of it that way. On the fight-or-flight continuum, I'm so far on the flight side that I'm growing wings. But I still wasn't prepared for her to drop the bomb.

"I know you're anxious now, but soon you'll come in here and this room will feel safe. But when you leave, the world out there will be the same -- and it'll still be scary. So there will be assignments of things to do to help you each week."

Wait a second! There's homework?! Nobody told me there was going to be frickin' homework! And to make it worse, it's homework I don't want to do because it's facing the very things that scare me.

My homework between now and Tuesday:

1. Start journaling. (Yes, she said blogging counted, so I'm good to go on this front. Maybe I should charge you guys for participating in my therapy, huh?)
2. Look up anxiety support groups. (I told her I thought support groups were only for alcoholics and pregnant women. She told me, yeah, people with social anxiety don't really take too well to forming groups where they have to, you know, meet socially. Hee hee!)
3. Make a hiearchy of scary things. Not like rape and murder, but things that normal people can handle that make me panic. Like grocery shopping -- which is why I've gone to the store only once since December.)

Like I said, I'm worn out. But apparently I have several years of weekly appointments ahead of me before I feel like the "old Kate." (She said I could go twice weekly if I want. Um, no thanks.)

P.S. I took my Schleppy bear. She asked, so I told her he went to all my scary doctor's appointments. Truth is, he goes to all my appointments, not just the scary ones. Never know when you might need a hug from somebody cuddly and non-judgmental.

P.P.S. At some future point, she wants me to learn relaxation techniques, but she said I'm so anxious that she doesn't believe they'd even help me right now. Crazy, huh?