ROAD TRIP (Part 2) Notes from the road 1

If you haven't read PART 1 yet, go there now.

Okay, let's hope I don't say anything too sensitive for Matt's tastes. I'll edit as much as I feel necessary. Ugh. Sick to my stomach thinking about the whole trip. Glad I saved a couple of Klons.

Saturday, May 28, 8:27 a.m.
I'm exhausted. At 6 p.m. last night, I started driving to (a city in) Indiana. At 3:30 a.m., we got here. Well, roughly here. To Matt's friend's house. At 6 a.m., I heard them start the car and leave. They just got home, as I was getting up to pee. I don't think I slept. Maybe snatches here and there.

I think there's a special kind of nausea that sets in when you're tired and kind of uncomfortable and away from home. I'm afraid to take anything because I might drive back today. A week ago, I wanted nothing more than to get away. Today, I want nothing more than to go home. I'd even made plans for Woody to drive down from Indianapolis to see me ... and I'll willingly cancel if it'd settle my brain a bit.

I can't imagine why in god's name I'm having an anxiety attack now. well, I have my theories. Matt's different around his friend. I feel ... hmm ... maybe like I'm intruding on a part of his life that I hadn't yet met. You know, "maybe she's pieces of me you've never seen." I'm worried he'll stay away. I'm worried this is it. I'm worried I fucked up in some way and I won't realize it until it's too late to fix and I'm swimming in my head looking for solutions.

Part of me wants to give it a shot. Kick back, try to relax. An overriding part of me wants to pack up and go without even brushing my teeth or getting any sleep. See why I don't want to take a Klon? I'd be too tired to drive.

Sigh. I think I'll write Matt a letter, pack up the spirit bear necklace and wait for him to fall asleep. I'd never be able to find the main road on my own. Don't panic, Kate. You can do this. Really.

Saturday, May 28, 7:55 p.m.
Klonopin. Vitamins B6, B12, C, niacin. Meclizine. Dymenhydrinate. Doxylamine. I've had a hell of a day. (Matt's friend) is at work; Matt won't wake up. I'd like to head up to Indy to see Woody tonight, but lord knows I'm not going alone. I'll figure something out.

Funny to be staying with two guys this wasted, especially since I moderate much better than them. Matt, jesus, he hurts me so bad when he's high. He hurts me even worse when he comes down. I don't let on because that would scare him. He's not coming back, is he, Kate? I keep asking myself that. I believe him when he says he'll come back if it's in his power, but I fear it won't be in his power.

[Note: I should mention here that he asked me to stay instead of driving home, which is why I didn't bring that up again.] I want to let him sleep it off, then go driving. I also want to talk, but he can be a wall. So I'm sprawled out on a futon in (friend)'s guest room, with work in front of me. I'm going to edit. On my vacation. Am I a loser or just dedicated?

Also, I'm going to write the damned forward for SASM. I'm feeling inspired. Oh, I should mention why I'm writing today (vs. typing, etc.). (Friend) has no computer, telephone, TV. [Note: Later located a TV and xbox with two games.] Entertainment options: Listen to vinyls (he's got an awesome selection of original vinyls -- S&G, Elton John, Talking Heads '77, Jimmy Cliff, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd -- he says he likes to spoil himself), blaze, sleep. ... Yay.

Sunday, May 29, 4:57 a.m.
So tired. So very very tired. Matt wouldn't go to Indy with me, even after I put on some makeup and plotted out the route. Very disappointing -- tomorrow's (well today now) the Indy 500, and I don't want to miss seeing Woody when I'm so close. So I'm going to brave the traffic and just ... go.

I need to have a little talk with Matt. Kind of hard -- no, very hard -- with (friend) around and not passed out. I never wrote the note I intended to write to Matt; I wasn't quite sure what to say or how to say it without sounding overbearing and crazy. He's taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think, and yet I still focus on that incessantly. Especially with my close friends -- it just complicates things.

Well, if I were to write said note, what would it say? It'd run the gamut of emotions: I'm proud of you. I'm angry at you and hurt by you. I regret everything and don't regret anything. I forgive you. Thank you for being here and being you. I love you more than you'll ever know. Be strong, but be vulnerable. Don't give up ever. Who would've thought little Casper Jone would be with me now? What just happened? What's going to happen? Will you take care of yourself? Will you let me...? Sleep washes over now -- [the writing runs off the page, but I think that was the end]


Continue with PARTS 3 and 4