Realizing it could be a lot worse

I got really angry at Paul tonight. I wasn't angry at him, but I was angry because school is taking a lot out of him -- time and energy -- and I'm tired of being patient. I have no good reason to get angry; I admit this.

Ugh, and it makes me feel all guilty and stuff, but it's just because I miss hanging out with him. This is why I am posting a picture of us on our first Halloween together. We went as the king and queen of hearts. ^_^ We had the big-ass card outfits which were incredibly uncomfortable, so we only wore them for like an hour.

But anyway, if we can survive looking really really goofy, then we can survive anything. But for god's sake, honey, hurry up and get the damn doctorate, or you may find yourself floating in some of that nasty Houston water you're testing.

Yes, that's a threat. ;-)

I had fully intended to post my top ten list of things for which I'm thankful (per Carrie's blog), but I just can't tonight. Something happened, and I'm very sad and very angry. I don't think I'm allowed to say what I know or how I know it, but let's just say that the public has been (thankfully) spared the details. It's affecting my thought process tonight.

The person who told me doesn't read my blog and wouldn't know this ... but these are the kinds of things you don't tell me right after I've left my psychiatric appointment, because my mind is all in jumbles anyway. Now it's like I can't even cope or think straight. I want to cry, but I can't, and it's not like I even knew them anyway ... but knowing the details of what went down is really, really getting to me. So pray (or send good thoughts, if you're not the praying type) to me. And my family. And their family.

I guess after the hurt subsides, other emotions will set in. Anger first, and then a vague sense of comfort in knowing that my parents are stable, my husband is stable, and my doctor is keeping me stable.

Like today, where he normally writes "suicidal thoughts" on my files, he wrote "suicidal thoughts, SAFE" and he underlined safe three times, like maybe I'd reached this psychiatric milestone at which point he'll no longer ask me every five weeks if I keep a gun around the house or have purchased one since our last session.

Anyway, I'm off to do some grocery shopping -- with Paul in tow. I'm sure I'll still be a little sad about that family, and feel a little guilty for pressuring him to be home more. But at least we'll have groceries. Cup is half full, Kate. Cup is half frickin' full.

P.S. Site tally through midnight on 7/31 ... 9,945 visitors accessing 18,336 pages and generating 35,440 hits. When we hit 10,000, I'm throwing a party. ;-)