The price on my head

Hear ye, hear ye: I am worth $1,606,696.

So sayeth HumanForSale.com, which takes a whole buncha otherwise-personal information and calculates how much you're sell for on the "open human market." Sheesh.

Before you whine about putting too much information on the Internet, let me assure you that you're not forced to answer any of the questions. And, in any case, nobody in cyberspace cares about your height or artistic ability unless you're trolling match.com for a HAWT INTARWEB DATE. Also, the NSA is already taping your phone calls. How's that for privacy, Mr. I-Think-I'm-So-Anonymous?

And now that that's out of the way, let's look at how I fared:

I got bonus dollars for being young, smart and female. (I'm young and I'm female, and I like to tell myself I'm relatively smart. It lulls me to sleep at night. Please don't go bursting any bubbles.)

But I did raise an eyebrow at other results. Apparently, working in publishing earns me no money. Neither does the fact that I'm not bald. Neither does my bra size. Bummer.

And I have to question the reasoning behind some categories. Why does my brown hair earn me $5,000? Why does shoe size (U.S. women's 10) deduct $10,000? And why, for the love of all things good and righteous, do I get $35,000 for not having a lot of body hair? I mean, it's good that I'm not Mr. Apeman, but is it really worth $35,000?

Hey, I'm just happy that somebody out there is putting a price on my sparkling personality. It used to be that people had to take me at my word that I'm Ms. Thang. Now I can point them to HumanForSale.com and prove that my wicked sense of humor and total household income put my self-worth at slightly less than a three-bedroom, one-bath home in The Hamptons with a "cozy living room" but no swimming pool.

And it makes me feel safe and secure knowing that if I ever get into dire straits, I can sell myself on eBay for a tidy sum that far exceeds my life insurance policy. I mean, hell, why kill me when I'm worth more alive??

I expect results from you guys. Don't disappoint.