Scrubba scrubba scrubba

Americans: Happy early Independence Day!
Canucks: Happy late Canada Day!

Back in the day (or so I'm told), children respected their elders, movies weren't cluttered up by all those words, and soap was pure lye. It may have eaten your skin to the bone, but you took it like a man. And if you cried, your behind would be seeing the raw end of a thick belt. Yep, those were the days.

But now, people are stickin' all sorts of fancy things in their "soap," like aloe and vitamins and pretty smells like flowers an' fruit. Spoiled brats, the lot of ya!

... No, I kid. I mean, I like clean hands as much as the next gal. But Softsoap has introduced its "Fabulous Fragrances" line, which seems to cross the line of what soap* is supposed to do.

(*Softsoap is not really soap, but what else can you call it? "Liquid hand wash with gentle surfactants"?)

Anyway, this Fabulous Fragrances line is made up of four scents. The bathroom at work currently is stocked with Morning Mist: Refreshing. Yes, the label actually tells you it's refreshing! Other recent contenders in the office bathroom have been Softsoap's Juicy Melon (also "refreshing"), Vanilla Brown Sugar, and Lavendar & Chamomile (both "relaxing scents").

Now some cynics out there might be quick to pooh-pooh Colgate for cashing in on the billion-dollar aromatherapy crazy. But I think it's very culturally savvy of them to realize some people might be turned off by the smell of regular soap, thus skipping the crucial task of washing their hands and putting everyone around them at risk of terrible diseases!!! (It's really quite alarming.)

So now, if you're having a mid-afternoon nap attack, just head to the sink. One quick whiff of Juicy Melon, and you're guaranteed to be productive late into the evening. And while you're at the sink, you may run into your cubicle-mate, who's frantically sniffing her just-washed hands to reap the full benefit of relaxing Vanilla Brown Sugar.

How supremely progressive we are.