One more day

Tomorrow is the day. To say I'm scared is an understatement. I'm terrified. Fatigued and terrified. And that's making me snappish.

I really should go apologize to Andy, one of the reporters, for the bitchy e-mail I just sent him. Instead of apologies, I'm here posting about tomorrow. I'm sure he'll understand. It's just that I get teary-eyed whenever I open my mouth regarding anything appointment-related. I don't usually cry when I'm scared.

Paul and I didn't go out of town, but we stayed plenty busy here. We went to see "The Artful Teapot" exhibit at the Dixon, something I'd been meaning to do since the exhibit opened in May. We watched the University of Memphis vs. Ole Miss football game with my parents. And we went to the casinos with Paul's parents. I lost my $10, while Paul's $10 magically multiplied into $50 at the Wheel of Fortune nickel slot machines.

All week, ever since I first uttered the word "oncologist," I've gotten a lot of concerned looks (and Andy says several dropped jaws, although I guess those are saved for when I've walked away). And I know a lot of people are praying — they've stopped by my office to tell me so. Our circ manager, Patricia, put it in her church's prayer box, meaning several hundred people have been praying for me. Good. Prayer is the only comfort I have in that dreaded period between the bloodwork and the results.

You know, when I started blogging, it was because I was scared about seeing the psychiatrist for the first time. Talk about terrifying. And being able to talk through it was so helpful. So here I am again, just feeling like I might burst with lump-in-my-throat trepidation, and hoping that talking through it will cure me.

Heh. Andy just stopped by my office. I apologized. I looked at the floor the whole time. I don't think he noticed me crying.

"It's just stress," he keeps telling me. One of the reasons for leukcytosis — that's a high white count — is being under heavy, prolonged physical or mental stress. He and I are convinced that's the root of my problem. Feeling the minutes drag on between now and my appointment tomorrow certainly isn't helping any. Meh.

FYI: My appointment is at 11:15 a.m. CDT at the University of Tennessee Cancer Institute. If you're a praying person, send a little prayer my way. If you're not a praying person, well, could you make an exception just this once?