Music rattling around my brain

I spent some time this morning goofing around in SF4, trying to learn the moves of a character I rarely use, but my fingers just don't want to play along. They're cold and stiff and won't do what I want them to do. I think my fingers just want me to unwrap my hands from the controller and try to remember what it feels like to gently rest them on piano keys, what it feels like to hear the music in my head just an instant before striking the first notes.

In the 25 years since I began playing, I've turned to my piano many times for release: when I need to clear my head or can't find the words to articulate emotions that have no name. I haven't had that release for months now.

I loved to play when I was young and probably would be much better today if I'd applied myself at lessons, but the lessons weren't so important once I realized my piano could translate the feelings leaping from my head Athena-like, fully formed and armored. When I was sad, she cried for me. When I was happy, she sang for me. And when I was angry, she screamed for me.

She stayed behind when I moved out of my parents' house at 18. I knew I could visit her any time I wanted to play, but it wasn't the same. I couldn't just sit down and let out my emotions; it required some planning. I missed her terribly. When I took over the house in which I grew up, she was waiting for me. I was finally home.

I want that feeling back, and I hate that I had to leave her in Memphis until I find a house in Charleston. Sometimes it's so quiet I can't hear myself think, and I just want to lose myself in a song. I'm sure I'm a little rusty but it doesn't take long for fingers to remember.

... And the controller is a lousy substitute.