P365 Day 163: Cover your eyes! It's incoming!

Ever had a day where you just want to cover your eyes and forget the world exists? Yeah. Joe-Kitty knows where I'm comin' from!

I've tried to keep my P365 posts from becoming too Kate-centric, but it's time to air out a little personal info, both as an apology for the way I've been acting lately and the way I might be acting for the next few months. The winter solstice starts tomorrow, and winter has always been a very difficult time for my mental health. My moods fluctuate wildly and quickly, which means I frequently have to adjust my medication based on how I feel and how Paul tells me I'm acting. (Thank goodness he's looking out for me!) My anxiety and agoraphobia really set in around Thanksgiving this year, and I've taken to leaving the house less and less — no more than once a week, or even longer if I can help it. I'm taking a lot of Klonopin, about four times the dose I was taking when I was in Memphis (and I'm taking it every day instead of just once in a while).

It was so much easier when I had a job because I had a structure to my days. I woke up before six (!!!), checked the news wire, stayed busy at work, came home and played some video games, got up the next day and did it all again. But last year, with no full-time editing gig, my brain went a little haywire. I'll spare details. It was a very hard winter for me.

There are things I'm looking forward to this winter — such as watching the Olympics on TV, though I'm a little sad our finances are such that I had to break my 2006 promise that we'd be in Vancouver in February 2010. There are things I'll cry about, such as the anniversary of the passing of my grandfather (December) and grandmother (January). And there are a lot of things I'm scared about; we are waiting for news on no fewer than five proverbial irons in the fire this winter. And all of that's just overwhelming.

I'm hoping that P365 will bring at least a little structure to things — I'm on day 163 and I have not missed a day yet ... and I don't plan on starting now! But I'm scared, too, because I know Paul is busy this time of year and can't look out for me as much as usual, and I'm worried that I'm going to fluctuate even more in the three weeks between now and my doctor's appointment. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself on an even keel.

And then there's always one thing to which I can look forward: Winter doesn't last forever. Spring is just three months away, and then things start fresh and calm down a little for the nine months till next winter.

Every year I say it: Winter changes everything. But maybe that's not really it at all. Maybe it's that winter changes me, and I'm walking into this winter in the worst state I've been in for at least the last decade. But I'm not alone in this world. My hubby and friends and family look out for me. That's a big comfort.

There are things that won't change. The biggest one that affects my friends is that I still won't answer my phone when you call, though I might return your call if you sing me a voice message. (The singing part is crucial because it makes me smile. Take, for example, the voice note e-mailed me today in which a friend sings that he's settled in for a Sunday afternoon so he can watch a Scrubs marathon.)

And now I'm going to go do the Joe pose — cover my eyes and block out the light for a little while. One day at a time, right? (P.S. If you've made it to the end of my post, thanks for letting me air that out. Santa knows everything, and I promise he'll leave you an extra candy cane on my behalf.)